I wish I could teleport
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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