Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
