So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
