John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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