i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
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Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.