Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
