And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
