He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
