I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
