fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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