My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
