She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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