Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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