i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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