Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
