he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Found your dick twin last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
