OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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