The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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