My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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