dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
