Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
