Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
