im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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