the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
