No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
