Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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