So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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