I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
