I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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