So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
