non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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