who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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