I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
