Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
