I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
