Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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