Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
