also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
