God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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