I didn't shave. On purpose
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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