well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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