Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
