I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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