Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
