so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
