Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
