I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We need to get me chipped asap
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
