you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
