Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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