I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
