I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
