i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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