I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Randomize
