Having a random hookup so left but love u
I want to make a zoo with you.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
