My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
