I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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