she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
