Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
